Color me blue.

Who am I to say you need me, I don't know anything at all. 


Color me blue, I'm lost in you.


Don't know why I'm still searching, many moons have come and gone.


Who am I to say, you love me. I don't know anything at all.

Trust issues.

I find it hard to trust again. Until I gain a little trust, I shan't blog much. Not too much. Don't wish to bare my soul for the judges :) For the rostrum that's too petty. Things come my way, I take it with a dash and a pinch.


I'll rise :)
Soon.
Xx, Lishia.

Desolation in September.

(Wind, I hope you don't mind. I loved the candles, it made things less grim. I borrowed the picture of these candles, they're gorgeous!! Many thanks.)

Sometimes, disappointment and sorrows are inevitable. Painful as they may get, much as they mind you; they seem to come in packs. In bulk. Mass, you know.

Sigh* It's so hard not to get rifled at life sometimes. It's funny how the very people I grew up with can just bail out on me in the blink of an eye. It's also funny to see all the different platforms which we now stand on. It's terrible to see the veil covering their eyes. They're oblivious to what's happening around them, bad as it is.

Then again, some people do prefer stagnation. They prefer to stay behind when everyone else is advancing. (Sorry for the mindless uttering.) Sigh*

I wish I were normal at times. I wish I were the stereotype. I wish I fit in with the typical people. I wish my brain didn't go on overdrive so much. I wish normalcy were a part of me.

I lay twisted.
In the corner of a dark room.
I saw him.
I saw death and turbulence.
I scrunched myself into a ball,
Just to remove myself from the pittance.

I cried out,
Sheer pain and agony engulfed me.
Bittersweet memories played through my mind.
I saw your faces in the distance.
Mocking me as if I were unreal.
I screamed to let you all know I existed.

The roaring didn't cease but multitudes did.
I tried to ignore,
To block out all the taunts.
Who knew, disappointments came in that form.
I asked for some water and was rejected,
I was pushed into a pit of silence.

The silence was deafening,
worse than the roaring.
I screamed again to block it out.
Now I knew what sheer destitution,
utter desolation and complete desperation meant.
I was too oppressed to snap out.

I gave up.
Then I met you,
You gave me a candle.
It burnt brighter and brighter.
The silence ceased.
A warm glow replaced it.
I now know, although just a flicker,
It gave me some light, some hope at the dead end.

Love,
The wishful.

Alone time. Hurt.

Caressed.

Oh my gosh, debating issues with my friends can get very heated sometimes especially if they happen to be old friends, ganging up on me plus a debater in the arena.

Fights happen. Ppfftt.

When people turn their backs on me, that's when it hurts the most. Especially when I don't understand why they did it. Yeah they may have reasons but the reasons were never made known to me. Till today, I'm still pondering about a lot of things. Things that happen, that happened, I mean; why do people walk into our lives when they are meant to be shown the door out?? Why do they stay so long, just to turn away at the end of the day?? So many questions running through my head. Hurts like crazy.

Brings back bittersweet memories. Memories are just plunging into my brain.

I just want to be held, I just want to be caressed by some of their hearts. I don't know what I did that they're so different from who I am today. It just sucks. I think I'll be a hermit. I'll curl up in my bed for now and start working on my Chemistry.

As always, Science will be and always will be my best friend. So will animals.

Love,
The broken.

P.s# I'm no coward.

Illusions.

Friends and I.
Aloha, Blogger buddies.

Sigh*

Today, I learnt that I create illusions of humans. I see them through rose-coloured glasses and when they dis-illusion me and shatter my glasses, it hurts right down to the core. I'm feeling very numb now :) The hurt has subsided, it's just more of a dull throb of heartache. Sigh* I care for my friends too much. Have stood up for them yet sometimes, they have the heart to turn on me. It's funny how the mouths you feed might turn around and bite you.

It's just funny. Everything is a blur today. At a standstill?? Not a permanent one though. I have so much more to say :( And post but I have to compile my History assignment. I'm so packed these days I don't even have alone time with myself and that sucks :(

Okie, I'll post more later. When and if I get up :)

Muaxxie and a goodnight from the willow tree.

My current state of mind.

Have you ever been stuck so bad no one seems to be able to pull you out??
Have you ever walked through the hall of shame, guilt and disappointment??
Have you ever felt so low that even the ground seems to be above you??

My current state of mind:

Boiled.

Peeved.

Scared.

Sad.

Sorrowful.

Disappointed.

Depressed.

Will get well soon and get back to blogging.
Love you, peeps!!

P.s# Would you hold me so tight I know I'm not falling apart??

Stuff.

Me :)

Feel bad about not blogging properly for so long :)

Been going through some funny times. It's like being one of the Stepford wife characters. Where nothing is flawed that you know, somehow, somewhere, something is bound to go wrong because it's just all hidden behind the screen of perfection. You know that the screen would just fall and all the demons you're afraid to face would just come out and haunt you. Something like that :)

Or maybe it's just me. I believe in conspiracies. Theories of conspiracy DO exist. It's not just all in the mind. It is out there. And yes, Ouch!! The hives really hurt. LOL I don't even know how I contracted them. Yucks*

Would you go back to a place where they've all been brainwashed?? Would you ever dare to step foot in a place that has become so foreign to you, so alien?? You know what to expect yeah. But all is so odd. So foreign. Like you know you'd lose your footing and balance in there. I don't know. It's just this weird period of time I'm going through. Is it all in the head?? Or is it really out there and happening?? My mind is too powerful, sometimes I've to fight it off just to fend for myself. I'm serious. My brain, my mind and my heart are three really powerful entities that clammer for the biggest power, the highest title in me. They never rest, not even when I sleep :) Maybe that's the best way to explain how I feel. LOL I feel bad. Lil's outside bathing Woffle but I can't help her. I'm supposed to stay away from seafood, fast food and animals :s

LOL. Sad huh. I hate the hives. LOATHE, HATE AND DESPISE. Ouch.

Have you ever felt like you're walking through halls of shame and guilt?? And all you feel is remorse and pain?? Have you ever felt so tormented you just want to slit your skin open just to prove to the world your point?? Have you ever felt so demented that nothing stops anything?? Have you ever been questioned over and over again?? Have you ever felt not good enough??

Love, Shia.

P.s# Sorry :P Weird times ;) Muaxx!!

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I hurt just because the ones close to me hurt.

Sometimes, emotions overwhelm and engulf me. Like the ocean and a riverbed, overlapping on the shore.

Sometimes, little things trigger off huge reactions.

Sometimes, what may seem like a huge deal to me, MASSIVE, may seem like a germ to you.

Sometimes, I know what you think about, I know what makes you, YOU, and I know what makes you tick and what ticks you off exactly.

Sometimes, I could be the voice in your head, prompting gently. The good one.

Sometimes, I just hurt because I'm human. Only partially.

I'm not norm, I don't hit norm or anywhere close to normalcy. But that's only what makes me, ME.

Sometimes, I just hurt because I'm not good enough. Never was and still on the way there.

Sometimes, perfect to you may only be halfway there to me.

Sometimes, I love you more than words can say, more than I can express it.

Sometimes, I hurt the ones I love. The closest to me.

Sometimes, I push you away but it makes you human to walk back to me, baby steps at a time.

Sometimes, i just have implosions, too hard to handle.

Sometimes, I'm just human.

My current wishlist.

Some funny picture. I saw a few guys drinking ALL that up. WOW.

Ouch you know, just ouch. Seeing my loved ones hurt so bad actually hurts me even more. I love Priya and I really understand the amount of hurt she's going through. I was once like that when I was stuck in the hellhole.

I wish:

-I could be free like the wind.

-I could pull Priya, Vie and few other close friends of mine out of the hellhole I was once in.

-I could express myself more easily.

-People wouldn't judge me but see me as I am.

-I could be perfect in every aspect possible although that would be impossible.

-The words depression, sorrow, deceit and hurt never existed.

-Life would take on a better roll.

-I were a genius. Brilliant. Assaultingly amazing!!

I just wish.

Love, Numb.

Corni-ness and depression.

Have been camming for fun :)

Look who's back with a brand new swag :P Haha!! Sorry. Just felt like being corny for a second. *On a more serious note* I'm happy :)

*Glomp* = New word taught to me by Aaron Howell!! Haha. Nutter you're a genius!! Don't let this get to your head now :P Hmm, he also taught me *huggles* and lots of IT stuff. Sheesh :S

Okie. Phew, what shall we talk about?? Hmm, well my subjects for the new semester which starts next Monday are- Chemistry, Calculus, Anthropology and American/Canadian history :) Woots* Doesn't that sound awesome fun?? Other than the crap I learnt in mass communications. Okie, maybe I'm too harsh. But then, what they lecture on is what I read up on the Internet. Sometimes. I miss being analytical and logical. I'm so ecstatic about changing courses. Yes, I'm a hardcore nerd/geek/dork as you can see :) Gosh, science!! Come to momma, yo!!

There are a lot of issues running in my head but I have to be very selective on what I air here. Very very radical issues that can be sensitive to certain groups. *Thinking*

Let's talk about something. I'll blog more later. Currently have issues to handle.

Love you all.

If only.

Me with long curly hair. If only.

If only, airplanes in the night sky were shooting stars.

If only, I could rewrite the past.

If only, you could be part of my life right now.

If only, I could do what I like, without having to care about what other people think of me.

If only, the past would not come back to haunt me now.

If only, you would be less balless.

If only, you could have come into my life earlier.

If only, I knew you better.

If only, humans could be a little less petty and talk things out instead of creating war.

If only, you were the only one.

If only, I could be less tormented, more stone-hearted.

If only, things could be reversible.

If only, I worked harder, played smarter.

If only, she loved me for who I am, not judged me; things would be better now.

If only.

If only.

The First Cut.

Jack and I.

The first cut is the deepest.
And deja vu of it is painful. Perhaps even more numbing than the first.

I'm a little strange in a normal kind of way. I happen to fall for people with strange pasts. Be it, bad pasts or just a past. It's really strange. These days, I'm finding it harder to decipher myself. My own thoughts, words and deeds. Very very strange. Certain thoughts engulf me more than the rest. Which yet again, is strange.

Oh, spare me some normalcy on my part please. Please, I implore the goddess of wisdom, The great Athena herself :P To give me more!! More knowledge, MORE WISDOM!! Haha.

Sigh* Please dreary phase, please. Leave right now :(
Everything just seems dull, looks grim and bleak. Don't ask me. I torment myself with my own thoughts. Seriously.

My mum was just telling me, she currently believes in euthanasia. I didn't actually support her but when she reasoned with me, it was kind of heartbreaking. There are many many dog catchers around my area. And they're evil I tell you. Evil in my books is related to dog catchers in every sense. It's the epitome!! The dog catchers send the helpless dogs to the pounds and it's inhumane. Sickening people. My dog Jem was right in front of my house; she ran out and accidentally got locked out because we didn't know she was outside. Not till we heard the horrible roaring of the dog catchers' truck, did we run out. Only to discover that Jem was being taken away by one of the rough handlers. She was pulled off by a wire around her neck, the poor thing :( We tried negotiating with them but they said her license had expired. And that she would be killed the next day. How sickening!!

We tracked them down the next day and when we appealed, they said we would have to wait till Monday because the dog pound wasn't open till Monday. It was a Saturday. Guess what!! We found Jem in the truck. Still on the truck!! Without food or water, stuck with a good 20 odd dogs?? Poor things :( We negotiated again and got her back for a hundred quid. Horrid nincompoops. Poor Jem was quite traumatized, shivering and howling. She's quite scared when she sees the dog catchers now. but seriously, this country is a totally sick place for animals to be in. SICK!!

There was a dog at the train station and the poor thing was caught and tied up with a broomstick shoved down his throat.I saw the pictures :'( Their reasoning??-Because there was an important minister going to inspect the train station and they wanted to impress him. I cried when I saw the poor dog's pictures. I would have at least intervened or loosened him and brought him home. But, NO ONE STOPPED TO HELP HIM AND HE WAS TIED UP BY HIS PAWS!! How sick!! I told my dad I'd like to be an animal court lawyer since I have passion for them. He said it would be a waste of talent thus I'd stick to my Bio, thank you very much.

Sigh* Stupid country with stupid goals that are nearly impossible to reach and stupid agendas. To treat something or someone lesser than us is to create a stigma thus enhancing the slowing of advancement and growth in every aspect including political aspects, economic aspects and also social aspects. Sheesh!!

So again, my mum currently supports euthanasia. She and I both have soft spots, extremely soft spots for anything suffering. She actually told me that she did think of giving the poor dogs lingering around the neighbouring neighborhoods their last meal mixed with poison. To kill them swift and painlessly. Seriously, we've tried helping the dogs. Jem was a stray dog. Now staying with us. Woffle was adopted from SPCA since she was a baby. And Pinky; the other stray dog we took in was given away to my mum's student. Another mother dog with about 6 pups was given to our neighbour. But my mum says there's too many now to be helped and we're the ONLY ones making an effort. Mum feels so burdened when she sees dogs with practically incurable skin diseases that limp. They look like they're about to fall dead or collapse any moment. That's why she believes in euthanasia, to help ease them, to put them out of their pain in a merciful way. Sigh*





Woffle as a baby and Woffle wrapped up :)

All this is very depressing. Animals. They deserve way better.
And men= the most complex complicated beings at the bottom of the evolution theory :)
Chastise me for that.

Love, hugs and kisses.
<3

Senseless. Robbed of emotion, void.

If only I had shining ebony black skin. Or porcelain white skin. I would have a cello in my arms and wings on my back. I would fly and be ethereal in a surreal world. Mm, fantasy. My form of escapism.

The seductress' entry.

The most beautiful way to die is to drown. Seriously. Water, underneath the pure moonlight. Eclipses of beautiful crystal clear water, engulfing our sordid beings, wow. The thought of it sends pleasure tingling down my spine.

As I said, I'm a little dark :P A little.

Ta for now.

Twisted.

That's one my besties, Vie.

Sorry if I'm seeming more and more twisted. yet, I don't see the point of apologizing.

Weird is good. Everyone is unique. I am an emotional and internal sadist.

Life. It should just end when you see a black hole coming yet you don't know how to react to it or what to expect of it. I know, traumatic innit. Sometimes, I think I know why humans react that way to certain things. I put myself in the shoes of a terrorist or a wife-beater. Or a murderer perhaps?? I understand what runs through their minds. I'm not condoning the evil deed mind you. Let me repeat. I'M NOT CONDONING THE EVIL DEED!! I just seem to kind of understand the psychology behind it?? Sometimes we have to have the mind of a sceptic. To doubt everything and question because naivety could be the greatest flaw of all.

Most of those "wicked people" have some substantial amount of reason behind their actions. It's just that they go unheard because honestly, which judge or jury would want to hear of the reasons to why the man brutally bludgeoned and slaughtered his wife and 2 kids with a sledge hammer and then a chainsaw. Right?? Child molesters and child rapist get beaten up and even killed in most prisons. And I don't blame the perpetrators to that crime of beating up the man. He deserved it but yet again, who are we to judge?? Right?? Humans. Very complex creatures.

How'd we know, most terrorists come from war-stricken countries. They were taught to use firearms at a very young age. All they knew was war, and that other races should be wiped out.

Tired. of. Crap.

Sometimes. Life. Seems. Pointless.

Goals. Get. More. And. More. Unachievable.

Gosh. I'm just super emo freak today and I really think it brings out the underlying internal sadist in me. Yet, I'm still called a baby grasshopper by other better sadists.

So yeah. Maybe wife-beaters were victims of abuse themselves. Sometimes there are things a person will not want to say. Maybe for instance, the murderer (a guy) kills the victim (also a guy) in a brutal manner. He could have just wanted payback. You know, maybe he was raped by the victim himself in an earlier case. How can a man report rape?? His pride, dignity and self worth would dissipate terribly then. Think about it. Perpetrators could be the victims so they victimize others in order to achieve the perpetrator status. Think about it. Process it.

More sadistic posts to come. This is nothing.

Love,

the newly found sadist.

Me, what I feel, rawness of me.

That's me in the picture, looking strangely weird.

Whatever. I'll leave you alone. You call me or sms without mr doing first. Truly disappointed.

That's what my dad sent me.

How am I to go home feeling like that?? What am I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to react to what I did, to solve everything?? I spoke to two of my beloved lecturers, if they are reading this right now, Miss M, Miss G, you should know that I am indeed blessed to have you in my life, to have someone understand me at the level I'm at.

How can I stop disappointing people?? It's not that I do, it's that they mistake what I do, what I did for something else and yeah, it hurts when I'm misunderstood nearly ALL the time by people I love. Yes, running away from home does not help solve anything yet.

Yet again.

When hurts accumulate, and when they just burst, sometimes the pipe overflows because it can't be sustained anymore. The water in the dam, it has to overflow when the dam can no longer contain it, and that's exactly how I feel.

Wind, it's so hard for me to tell people how I feel. I really don't know why yet when I write it down or blog it out, it's so much easier. I express me through my writing. Me.

Dear ole me.

I just want to be the same me I was back then. Happy, although bogged down by worries; I wasn't all wrinkled and tired from worrying everyday.

I want to get up with a smile on my face instead of a frown.

I want to get up feeling happy instead of having aching shoulders due to stress and sorrow.

I want to walk with confidence again instead of a stoop.

I want people to get me instead of be below my level.

I want everything to be alright.
I want life to write itself out properly.

I'm in Mc Donald's now for wifi connection.

Guess I'm done ranting here. I'll post more in my next post alright?? I'll try post something again tomorrow. Hope I get Internet connection wherever I go.

Love,

The broken hearted kindred soul.

Breaking point.

I've reached breaking point. Been here a few times. Debate is the only thing keeping my sanity. My heart's pounding like never before, there's a whirlwind in my stomach. I've been here before and this is not the worst. But breaking point is a bad place to be in.

It hurts and is painful, the emotions are jumbled. Feels like being in a backhole or a vacuum where it's dark and awful.

No words to describe how I feel now.

Easiest thing to do is to feel numb. I'm numb.

Good!! I can't feel a thing.

Signing off,
The hurt alien.



My Guatemalan worry dolls.

Impression management.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you.
What am I gonna say when I'm all choked up and you're okay.

I'm falling to pieces.
I really am.

So, I use world impression management.
Where the world is my stage and I'm the actor.

I put on my happy mask when I'm sad.
To hide what I truly feel.

So it doesn't go around hurting others around me.
I did what I did, I have a breakage point too.

They say bad things happen for a reason.
No wise words gonna stop the bleedin'.

I'll take the blame.
Let me do it so no one else gets hurt.

I'll be your sacrificial lamb.
Come here, slice me apart.

Take my heart out.
Eat it in any style that suits you.

I got a degree offer in my field of choice.
What good is it if I can't do it??

2 and a half years does seem long after all.
Sigh me.

Back to the drawing board.
Pain after pain.

Tear after tear.
I'm such a good actress though.

And really, no wise words gonna stop the bleedin'.
I'm falling to pieces.

Oops, time for the happy mask to come back on.
Night world, three....two....one.

I'm dead.

I hurt. I'm pained. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Where I wake up to an even grimmer reality. Trying to eat into my sanity.

Where is the semblance of sanity left? Where is the last shard of it?
Gone with the wind perhaps. Just perhaps.
Like everything else, it CAN be blown away by the wind. Life beats us up and smacks us behind.
I. Just. Hurt.
The world is harsh. Unforgiving. And I thought it was all done. Nope. Sigh*
Stop hurling stuff at me. Sometimes I'm not all that strong. Not all that tough.
Just because you don't see the real me does not mean you can hurl at me.
I hurt. Real bad. Someone give me a painkiller. An internal one. Just to stop this pain.
It has begun to numb up. I don't want a cold frozen heart. Warm me up. Please, warm me up.
Make me see that the last semblance of sanity was not hit and run by a bulldozer.

Oh Mr sandman, come and make me sleep. A blissful sleep.
Where nothing can touch me. Where I can spiral deeper into somewhere unknown. Far far from it all.

Oh Mr Nobody, take me into oblivion.

Oh God, please spare me. I cannot hurt anymore. I'm losing grip. My grip.
My once strong grip.