Twisted.

That's one my besties, Vie.

Sorry if I'm seeming more and more twisted. yet, I don't see the point of apologizing.

Weird is good. Everyone is unique. I am an emotional and internal sadist.

Life. It should just end when you see a black hole coming yet you don't know how to react to it or what to expect of it. I know, traumatic innit. Sometimes, I think I know why humans react that way to certain things. I put myself in the shoes of a terrorist or a wife-beater. Or a murderer perhaps?? I understand what runs through their minds. I'm not condoning the evil deed mind you. Let me repeat. I'M NOT CONDONING THE EVIL DEED!! I just seem to kind of understand the psychology behind it?? Sometimes we have to have the mind of a sceptic. To doubt everything and question because naivety could be the greatest flaw of all.

Most of those "wicked people" have some substantial amount of reason behind their actions. It's just that they go unheard because honestly, which judge or jury would want to hear of the reasons to why the man brutally bludgeoned and slaughtered his wife and 2 kids with a sledge hammer and then a chainsaw. Right?? Child molesters and child rapist get beaten up and even killed in most prisons. And I don't blame the perpetrators to that crime of beating up the man. He deserved it but yet again, who are we to judge?? Right?? Humans. Very complex creatures.

How'd we know, most terrorists come from war-stricken countries. They were taught to use firearms at a very young age. All they knew was war, and that other races should be wiped out.

Tired. of. Crap.

Sometimes. Life. Seems. Pointless.

Goals. Get. More. And. More. Unachievable.

Gosh. I'm just super emo freak today and I really think it brings out the underlying internal sadist in me. Yet, I'm still called a baby grasshopper by other better sadists.

So yeah. Maybe wife-beaters were victims of abuse themselves. Sometimes there are things a person will not want to say. Maybe for instance, the murderer (a guy) kills the victim (also a guy) in a brutal manner. He could have just wanted payback. You know, maybe he was raped by the victim himself in an earlier case. How can a man report rape?? His pride, dignity and self worth would dissipate terribly then. Think about it. Perpetrators could be the victims so they victimize others in order to achieve the perpetrator status. Think about it. Process it.

More sadistic posts to come. This is nothing.

Love,

the newly found sadist.

Deadly, lethal, potent.

Does that look evil enough?? :)

What hurts the most.

Is being so close.
Watching through windows, wondering if I'm okay.

Secrets stolen from inside.

Hurts unfurling, but if you fall, I will catch you.

Time after time.

The above doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to.

Feels like deja vu. AGAIN. Really haunting. I fell, and it shattered. Now, I'm scared I fall and it shatters again. Humans are so fragile. Deja vu is lethal. Dreams are deadly. But reality is deadlier. Especially if it keeps rearing its ugly head. Smashing it on ours.

Sorry about the emo-ness of these posts. Really going through a period of downhill and blogging actually helps me release my anger, pent up feelings and emotions. I can never really express myself. Sigh*

I actually do believe in the conspiracy theory, it does exist you know?? Sometimes, we feel that someone is out there to get us; and when we tell our close friends or even family,they'll diss it off as paranoia. But let me tell you this. If your gut instinct is really strong on that issue or matter, trust your own feelings then. But of course, NEVER let paranoia get the better of you :) Hmm, just went through a game of Russian Roulette. What's scary is, it's not physical. When people play that game with you and its a mental game, then you have to be standing on the tips of your toes. Or as far to the tips as you get.

I'm on a mental cliff right now. I'm on the edge. I'm looking down and suddenly, I don't lose my balance but I'm falling. Perhaps it was by my own inclination. I'm falling and flashes of the past run through my mind.But, I never reach the bottom. How scary is that?? To fall and never reach the bottom. To be caught in your own web and vortex of thoughts. They try to strangle you but in a subtle more gentlemanly way.

Sorry if I'm scaring you right now. Sometimes, mental pain and emotional stress does lead to some sadistic writings on my part. Once scarred, always scarred. Hard to change the cell type on the scabs.

You know you're going crazy when you realized you're at the dead end but you think it still goes on. When you fall and never reach the bottom but you keep falling and falling and falling. You know you're going crazy when dreams are your reality. You know you're going crazy if you ever start blogging like me :P

Night, have sweet dreams my dearies, LOL.

Love, the sadistic reality-in-check thinker.

Today was a fairytale. NOT.

Funny picture of me and Mr Prezzie.

Today was wonderful awesome.

Took a roadtrip down to Ipoh!! Wow right?? Keran and Ben plus Thevyah. Wasn't all that fun because it was burning hot in the car. No joke but man oh man. Had a wonderfully exhausting day. Sigh* Blissful memories. LOL.

I'm contradicting myself again :( Boo hoo. In a way. Okie, I'd better head back to my assignment. Research paper is calling me. Seriously, I hear it.

Bye for awhile :)

P.s# I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now :(

Swirls.

Me being cultural :)

Hmm, humans are funny with emotions aren't they?? Haha I'm speaking like as if I'm not human. Well, we are.

I'm having this totally weird affect blend emotion flow right now. Have no idea why though. And I move too fast through things. Sometimes. It feels like I'm in a whole sirocco, a whole whirlpool of emotions. And everyone else, feels like the song from Sting I think?? It is so true in a way. It says: We are spirits, in a material world. Love the haunting tune to it. Sigh* I'm just feeling a real horrible affect blend on things. Can't even write how I feel properly on my blog. Had to leave the house at 6 am just now just to get to college on time. Dad sent me. Went to Nilai for the debate. You know what?? There were conspiracies. I think I just DO believe in the conspiracy theory. Does work, does happen. Seriously.

Oh and I've two new goals.

1-Stop swearing. I don't know where I picked the habit up from and I don't like it at all.

2-World debate. No matter how old I am :)

Okie. So there, we have it all down. I'm supposed to be doing a research paper but I'm blogging. LOL. It's actually okie because sometimes I work on my assignments and papers using blogger. Seriously, makes me feel more comfy, like as if I'm blogging.

Self-actualization. I never fit in. Have never, maybe will never. Wherever. I just stand out like a sore thumb. I really do. Gosh I don't know what is with my low, extremely low levels of endomorphins. Sigh* I need some kind of happy release?? Still stinging from certain emotional blows. You know, those could be extremely harmful. Really.

Words swirling through my head: Veto power, affirmative action, education for liberation, alternative action and solutions, politics, plots, sub-Saharan inequity, equity and more swirls. :)

Very hard to comprehend when they all stack up to become a book together with my mixed up emotion, pent up frustration and all.

Will try posting up another post as soon as possible. :( Lots of work, I feel bad neglecting my beloved blog.

Okie, night for awhile peeps!! All my love.

The flavour-less post and girl stuff :)

Sammy and me looking SO WEIRD!!

In Macker's today. had ice cream and now, a coke :P

Gosh!! So much to do :( Reading up on veto powers now. Had a glitch in debate yesterday. Sucked balls hard!! :(

I'm also reading up on Psychology for later. Sorry if I'm being so boring!! Haha I'll post something properly later :)

I got my period. It's a good thing!! Wouldn't want to get it on Saturday which is the day of my debate competition. Okie, will post more later!!

Ta, peepos.

My angry rant to "Someone".

Oh my gosh, I just encountered a hair-blowing, mind-boggling experience.

How immature can you get?? You and your bias ass assumptions. You and your scepticism, you and your questions that irk me. YOU and your accusations. Isn't it enough what you did?? And now you blame me for screwing your life. Glad I walked off and out the door. Can't imagine what a life trapped with you would be like. Glad I took the heed and advice of others.

Thanks for showing me your immaturity. You know, funny how you still can hurt me like that. Guess I NEVER knew you for who you are. You think I'm being immature?? Who wouldn't after all that was said?? You just made me blow my hair off my head. You think I don't know how and who they really are because I'm blinded. In fact I'm not. I do know. I am discerning. I know, I feel what people feel. You think I'm showing off now?? Just go ahead. Like I said, knowledge an maturity levels cannot be faked. You can't pull off a show of knowlegde. Let me tell you, just step on the debate rostrum and you'll know what it is like. Amazing how you managed to spoil my day. Thanks a whole bloody lot. No wonder he calls you an effing turb. You perhaps are one from the sound of it, TYPICAL!! Jumping to bias, clueless assumptions, judgemental and you're even obsessive. Once again, sorry to have stepped into your life. Now, whatever I do DOES NOT concern you. Amazing that people especially your group and "level" of friends can talk about me like that. All bloody bias assumptions based on visual impact.

You know who you are. YOU do indeed.

Starbucks, coffee, tumblers and just about everything else.

Blaze and I :) She's SOOO sexy!!

Oh gosh. I hate it when Blogger can't auto save. Really annoying, I had to refresh the page and I lost everything I had already typed :(

Well, I was just saying, yesterday was a totally epic day, really hilarious. Geetz, Wind and I make an odd bunch :P We are really an oddity that generate a lot of attention, especially with Blaze around giving me snake-gasms :P I'm in Starbucks now at 8.30!! So early right?? LOL.

I bought Lil her birthday present. Bought her a Starbucks coffee tumbler which is absolutely gorgeous!! Also bought my old teacher some coffee grounds :) Funny present but yeah, he needs it I think. He teaches the WHOLE DAY LONG.

Since I talk so much about being in Starbucks, I'll post two pictures of my notebook and Lil's tumbler with my Starbucks caramel frappucino :)

There you go :)

Ughh!! I'm supposed to be reading up on my debate topics yet I'm blogging. Shows how much "love" I dedicate to you, my fellow blog readers!! Haha. Gosh, I'm being silly :P Coffee rush!! Sigh* I really quite dislike certain topics given. The theme for the debate competition which I'm sure you all have heard or read a million times is "Equity, access and quality". But like yesterday, the government team scoped it down to : Race, religion and gender have no place in application forms for universities in the US. Gosh, that was a little hard to debate on. It went haywire. And I thought of myself as not bias at all. I just can't stand this girl in the debate group. Lol, it's a good thing she's not in my team. She just acts too smart which I can't stand at all because in real, she's superficial, with nothing up there. So her debate arguments are pretty much pointless which is certainly an OUCH!!

Apart from all that, everything at home is going on okie again. It's not so bad. Mum even acknowledges the spider's existence. Oops, I said I'd actually blog about Freddy!! I forgot. I totally forgot about him. Hold on, I'll try post another one today. Just give me about an hour to deal with social equity alright?? :) For debate later. As the lecturers blatantly told us that we suck balls hard in debate. I apparently lost my "bitchy touche" in debate as I kept apologizing yesterday. Trust me, IT WON'T HAPPEN today :) I'll get myself back. Whee!!

Tata audience. Love,

The caramel coffee lover!!

Why I ran away from home.

Ugly pictures of me wishing I could fly :)

So, I'm sure, some of you are curious about why I ran away from home. You see, my mum kept comparing me with other people. And it was a downward comparison mind you. To people who can't even do stuff right?? And she says stuff like "Look where you are now."

Like I said, the ONLY reason why I had to come out of UTAR, (My old uni) was because I couldn't stand the lecturers there, the environment and also, the multiple problems I had to face over there. It was mini series of never ending dramas.

It all started when, on Monday night, my mum came back and started mentally killing me because I had bought my beloved spider. I'll post some pictures on it up later. She asked me what I wanted to do with it and all. And me, being impulsive and somewhat irrational sometimes, I got so mad and kept my mouth shut, letting it all boil up inside me. I even offered to make my mum dinner.She got even madder and started comparing me and hurting me. It may seem small but yeah. And she told me to get rid of the spider. My baby tarantula!! I was like BOOM!! I exploded. I just ran upstairs and started crying. Mum started texting me really sarcastic messages. She's a psychologist mind you and she can be very very "scheming" and she plays with your head if she thinks she should. So yeah.

And dad, he started siding her as well. And dad, gosh!! I'm the aftermath of the passion of two geniuses I tell you. Dad's an engineer who basically knows everything, mum's a Psychology major and yeah, both are smart in their own arenas and fields. When mum worked in The Philippines last time, many people did warn her that she might get an autistic child because two extremely smart people produce genetic offspring that is a bit retarded. Not ALL but at least one. But guess my sissy and I are still pretty much quite normal kids with not a trace of autism :)

So yeah, usually at home, tempers flare here and there. Clash of opinions, mindsets differ and total want and need of control by all of us drive us up the wall. Mum and I have about the same temper. And dad, he's usually calmer and more level-headed but once he's starts, there's no stopping him. Right now, I'm back on my bed blogging and they haven't really spoken to me about what happened so I'm not sure if they're seething inside and just hiding it or I don't know :( Parents. Hard to decipher. SIGH*

I ran away, stayed in an old flame's place. With a "bear" and a blur. Although I was extremely blur too. LOL. And then, I went to college like normal, went for a presentation, and yeah, everything went out smoothly. I stayed with Geetz, I think you all met her before. She's such a cute little sweetie who can be very sly as well. So yeah. Stayed with her till yesterday afternoon and Wind was such a sweetie who sent me back from Geetz' place to the train station. He was a major help and a very very good emotional support.

I would like to make a public thank you to Jon, Sundra, Michael, G, Wind, Blaze, Tom, Geetz, Miss M, Miss G, and Yugen, Raj, Prem as well. Not forgetting Chriss and Mia and my other classmates. Thanks for being there for me in this "midlife crisis" of mine.

So yeah, I had some people helping me along the way. I had some fun out although I did miss my family and home and pets very much. Geetz had some problems as well. Her apartment unit was haunted. She actually felt it before, like someone was watching her. I saw "stuff" a few times and even Wind heard some "noises". But then, her two friends came over and they saw a clear apparition of a girl standing directly in front of the fridge. This creeped Geetz like crazy. She went all crazy and started crying, Wind and I tried to calm her. I even offered to take her back to my place but she declined, saying she could stay with her guy friend so I left it as that. Hope she's doing fine, I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

Well, ALL' said I guess. The summary of what happened. I'll post up another post later on Freddy :P I've to get ready for lunch now. It's Father's Day after all and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS OUT THERE AND TO THOSE READING THIS TOO!!

The nothing much post.

A funny picture. I put it up on Facebook and tagged a guy on the "hair". LOL.

You know, the most painful thing to ever happen is to have a soul close to you back stabbing. But then again, life is like that isn't it?? People make mistakes all the time, they should be forgiven. Lest they do it again and again then it's best we walk away.

Well, guess sometimes humans deserve second chances don't they?? The only thing I can never do is to forget a cheating guy's habits. LOL I 'll do the forgiving but the forgetting part will NEVER EVER come after that. Tee hee.

Umm, let's talk about happier things shall we?? I was just telling my dad I wish I could grow up faster. Seems like I grow down. I'm so short and I look like a baby. SERIOUSLY!! My face :( Wish it was more mature looking. LOL.

SIGH* I miss my dad.

I miss my sissy.

I miss the mammy. SIGH*

Going off soon to see my friends in their Thai boxing class. I'm going to see violence :) I don't condone it yet, I'm interested. Okie, I'll post this up before they come pick me up.

I miss Blaze, Tom and Wind, LOL Best ever.

So, Tata!!

Later, if I can.

Me, what I feel, rawness of me.

That's me in the picture, looking strangely weird.

Whatever. I'll leave you alone. You call me or sms without mr doing first. Truly disappointed.

That's what my dad sent me.

How am I to go home feeling like that?? What am I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to react to what I did, to solve everything?? I spoke to two of my beloved lecturers, if they are reading this right now, Miss M, Miss G, you should know that I am indeed blessed to have you in my life, to have someone understand me at the level I'm at.

How can I stop disappointing people?? It's not that I do, it's that they mistake what I do, what I did for something else and yeah, it hurts when I'm misunderstood nearly ALL the time by people I love. Yes, running away from home does not help solve anything yet.

Yet again.

When hurts accumulate, and when they just burst, sometimes the pipe overflows because it can't be sustained anymore. The water in the dam, it has to overflow when the dam can no longer contain it, and that's exactly how I feel.

Wind, it's so hard for me to tell people how I feel. I really don't know why yet when I write it down or blog it out, it's so much easier. I express me through my writing. Me.

Dear ole me.

I just want to be the same me I was back then. Happy, although bogged down by worries; I wasn't all wrinkled and tired from worrying everyday.

I want to get up with a smile on my face instead of a frown.

I want to get up feeling happy instead of having aching shoulders due to stress and sorrow.

I want to walk with confidence again instead of a stoop.

I want people to get me instead of be below my level.

I want everything to be alright.
I want life to write itself out properly.

I'm in Mc Donald's now for wifi connection.

Guess I'm done ranting here. I'll post more in my next post alright?? I'll try post something again tomorrow. Hope I get Internet connection wherever I go.

Love,

The broken hearted kindred soul.