The just for fun post.

Mock list for my perfect guy, if I find one :P

First date- He takes me to the shelter to serve the homeless. He's a volunteer there.

His hobbies include picnics at the beach, volunteering at animal shelters, helping SPCA, reading, doing extremely
random spontaneous stuff, eating ice-cream, enjoying nature.

Must love: Animals-including snakes, reptiles especially and weird creatures, books, nature and most of all, crazy stuff :P Anything at random. Junk food!!

Does not have to be: Blonde-haired, blue eyed, an extremely good looking hunk, or Prince charming.

Must be able to: Woo me deliciously, sweep me off my feet, gain my trust, hold my heart in his fist and yet not break or crush it,be a little versatile or very, always be there for me (long term).

Has to be: Not too short, preferably tall, or taller then me, (I'm only 155 cm) :)
smart and witty, have a good head on him, slightly nerdy-does not have to be on the outlook.

Has to be able to: Get my rapt attention and hold it, love with all his soul, and be a man when it's required and a best friend when needed.

Must not be: Braggy, loud mouthed, full of himself, sassy, arrogant, a racist, a fascist, prejudiced, dishy, yeah, that's about it.


Shucks!! Still living in my fantasy world :(

P.s# Tell me if you find someone like that who's interested!! Can be girl too, I'm versatile. HAHA!! LOL by the way, this post is JUST FOR FUN!!

Today I learnt.

Today, I learnt. Nothing is permanent.

Really, nothing is. Although I'd like to believe that certain people are. It's easier to see things in that scope.

Truth be.

I'm living in fantasy land now.

It's so much fun.

I don't have to worry about anything.

I hope it lasts.

Running away from everything especially the ugly truth is okie once in awhile I suppose.

It is refreshing.

I still care for you yet I'm in stark denial :)

After all, it's easier to accept it if I'm in denial :)

Wonderland, dreamland and my own Eden, it does exist. Only in the mind though.

But still, it's fun, everything is beautiful :)

Hugs, kisses and lurve,
from the turning room of willow mirrors :)

Coding/encoding.

It's a love/hate relationship with a really fine line drawn between the both of them.


It really is difficult to decipher. So are people. So am I.


I wish I could wake up every morning in the shoes of others. Just so I know how it feels like to be someone else. To be a stereotype, see how they work, their mechanisms and all. I was just discussing with Priya. Are they really soulless?? Don't they have things to worry about?? It's so stereotype. College, job, wedding, get a family, expand, have more kids, retire, die.


What do WE have that can be used to the fullest?? What can we contribute??


SIGH* Still disheartened by disheartening arrays of extremely extraordinarily sad news day after day. Being engulfed in negative vibes is not something easy to be pulled out off.

I long to be in a place where the grass grows wild. Where the sweet smell of honeysuckle hangs thick in the air. Where the wind blows through my hair and the birds call out in song. I long to run free and wild, free of the world and ALL its petty worries. I long to be near the deer and in green pastures beside clear running waters. I long for a place where tranquility is inhibited and negativity is forbidden. I long for mine own Eden. I long for a plaza with a million baby grands. Afiq, Lynn. You know how much pianos mean to me :) I long to travel into that world again. My own world of music. I long for my own Wonderland. I long for a place where butterflies live up to a hundred years and harps play all day long. I yearn for a place where imperfections make up perfection. Where the toothbrush and bowl are non-existent simply because they don't have to be. I long for a place that I can call my own Eden. SIGH*


Jon, if you're reading this, please know that you're not the only one that suffered during that period of six years till now. I feel it too. I just can't explain. You know where to get me if you need to ask me stuff. Thanks for loving me although I pushed you away time after time. Thanks for always being there for me. Leave it to fate. God will do the rest too.

Engulfed, encrypted, insufferably pained and awfully disheartened.

For a moment like that.

For a moment like that, some people look a lifetime.


For a moment like that, some people wait a lifetime.


Guess what. A recent study showed that life for an average human being only starts at 40. How sad.



Sometimes, just sometimes, I would prefer to visualize things in slow motion. How perfect, indeed. Maybe perfect's not the word that fits in there. More of perfectly breath taking, perfectly heart stopping. Completely abnormal.



Perfection. Something I, we all, strive for. Yet flaws in a person make up perfection as a whole particle of matter.



Curious indeed. Curiously bi.

Thanks for understanding.

FINALLY!! It's about time. Thank you Priya for getting me.

I didn't know how to put this in words. Now I do. I feel desperate.
Desolate.

Caged.
Raw.


Misunderstood.
Unheard.

Bursting.
Nuts, I'm going bonkers, crackers!!


Pacey.
UTAR just wants to be a HUGE MOULD!! Creating PERFECT ASIANS!! Screw them!!This asian-ness just does NOT belong in some of us. Priya and me included.

Just because I don't conform, I'm a misfit. STOP being objective!! The world out there is More than textbooks say it is, fellow people of UTAR!! My uni, it just dumbs you down,. Just like what Priya said.

I'm a desperado!! I've to get out of here as soon as I can. I'm no rebel, just misunderstood!! Priya, you made my day!! FINALLY SOMEONE GETS MY FEELING OF DESPERATION!! I'm no Asian robot and I believe in individuality!!


I date who I like. I can't take people in Kampar staring at me when I walk with a bunch of my Indian friends. Especially in campus!! STOP IT!! STOP this racist fascist crap!! It's not getting anywhere!!


I'm not an animal you can train or jell-o you can mould. I'm so sorry, all my lecturers that I hurt. I don't belong. I know it. I feel it. I'm bone dry. I know you had REALLY high hopes in me, Miss Rajesh. Mr Pek and Ng. BUT I'M NO ROBOT!! I cannot perform under pressure!! TEST AFTER TEST ISN'T GONNA MAKE US ANY SMARTER!!

I'm smart and it isn't judged on how well I do in each test. I do want to see myself excel in other areas too, not just have an over sized brain. Oh please, do you get my drift?? I'm just bone tired. Bone tired. I don't know what to say anymore. I wish I had something to numb the pain. And it just gets worse and worse. Where's my light at the end of the dark tunnel?? You,you might have cervical cancer.
You, your heart has a hole and the doc gave you 10 years max to live?? You're only 18!! And WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?? When you knew the pain it'd cause??

Sigh.All I have are pills. A tonne!! To use or not to use. Still contemplating.



Adios amigos.

It's a downward spiral or a hellish roller coaster ride.

I had SO much fun with you. Thanks for teaching me so much although it was just a night and a few hours of daylight. Aiden, thank you so much. I enjoyed topgear and now I'm hooked, more hooked than ever on cars and engines. And bikes, courtesy of Hyzel and sheikh too. P.s# I'm not reluctant to talk to you so please talk to me. Sometimes, I don't know what to say because this hurt overwhelms me and consumes me. You're the only voice that understands even if I don't say a word. So please continue to be there for me. Lynn too.


Thanks Afiq, you have a wonderful mum and sister, Ijah, YOU RAWK!! I had awesome fun with you guys too. Just want to say thanks for everything.



I am going crazy silently..

Going nuts.

STOP DRIVING ME INSANE!!
It's an inward battle. Me and my conscience.

Me and my soul.

Stop it, you're draining me.
I'm dying, dying..

Dying on the inside.


Just...... Shoot...... me......


Keep me at peace.



I'm officially dead. Bang and the deal is sealed.

Dear Diary.

Dear diary, today I learnt that a girl's best friend can still be her 'brush and bowl'..

WOW I have a whole load of stuff on my mind. Hmm, time for cyber unload!!





This silly dude is AN amazing singer!! He taught me a Tamil song and I just fell in love with it!! Lol, we make an amazing duet, Vie :P

Hmm!! Yesh, cyber unload!! Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding. I'm a bit nervous, am supposed to be a greeter. SIGH* I'm so anxious. These kind of events are just too overwhelming. After all, she's the first and the ONLY brain surgeon in the family. Plus she's Aussie!! I feel ecstatic yet really " mumble jumbled " ??
I'm really scared. Relatives tend to compare and they expect me to follow in her footsteps. Anne-Brain surgeon. Lynn-Accountant. Keith-media corp dude now working under another company!! Such successful cousins and I'm next. And I haven't even straightened my life out yet. SIGH*

Anyway, sigh* Sorry for the undue sighs. Just feel like sighing. In that mood.

Oh boy, I'm currently obsessed with the notion of the supernatural?? Namely the incubi?? And succubi. The singular forms are incubus and succubus. It's really quite creepy yet intriguing!! I just found out that my favourite legend, Arthurian legend of all times, is a cambion. Hard to follow?? Read on. Oh boy oh boy!! *Drool* I'm in love with Merlin or also known as Merlyn!! I just found out a few minutes ago that he's a cambion- born of a mortal woman and sired by an incubus!!

Anyway, coming back to the whole folklore thingy. I was watching Ghost Adventures in Shen's room.GA is some kind of documentary series on the supernatural and they catch actual proof on enhanced audio visuals and cameras and nightlights and that sort of thing. Pretty interesting, seeing the amount of science and Physics involved just to prove something surreal actually exists. Pretty mind boggling eh?? :P


This is how it looks like. An incubus.

So well, GA was showing a shoot that had them going into Ram's inn.They actually caught a bit of the incubi on camera footage using audio and visual enhancements. Like wow!!

Well yeah, so that explains my curiosity on the topic and my further research into it.. It's pretty fascinating, all these!! An incubus actually pursues a woman for sexual relations in order to father a child. Creepy huh?? Watch Jennifer's body and see how the 'legend' is portrayed in a slightly modern-ish way. With the OH-SO-HOT Megan Fox!! Lol..She's a succubus in the movie.

Anyway, Kl central is full of intriguing little stalls :) If I had a tonne of money, I'd go to the bookshop there and get more books :) I got a classic for only 7 bucks in one of the bookshops there beside Dunkin Donuts!! OMG I just love quaint little shops especially bookshops!! I mean Catwoman?? The original?? For only 7 bucks a copy, wow!! *DROOL*

A quote from there pretty said a whole lot. If you look from the perspective of the world. I feel really terrible at times!!The earthquake hit zone-Haiti!! The people in Haiti are suffering!! Why can't we do anything about it?? The funds and all that we donate to charity!! IS IT EVER GONNA REACH THEM?? Why is everything so screwed up at this point?? The death toll hit 50 000 and my heart just stopped. No kidding. The overwhelming feeling of sadness was too hard to even contain. The reporter said something at that point that struck a chord in me. "Where is the integrity of the politically elite??" How can they misuse the funds actually sent over there to help the needy?? It's like a really bad case scenario of Robin Hood but in a bad light. Sorry for my rants today. But I'm pretty peeved about how everything's just tumbling about at the moment. SIGH*
Mass graves have to be dug and corpses are just shoved in without proper burials. Just imagine the stench, the disease, the linger of death in the air. ALL we could do is to imagine them in a better world, free of all this pain and agony. SIGH*

There was another saying that caught my attention. It was mentioned in Catwoman by Laurel Hedare's lecturer. Beauty is proof against spears and shields. She who is beautiful is more formidable than fire and iron. I actually laughed at it at first. But then again, thought twice about it. Being the feminist that I am, yeah. But it did shake me up. And in a way, it's true. In a really sadomasochistic way, it runs deep; that saying.

Well, that's all the rants for today.. Had fun talking to you, Afiq :P P.s# I HATE THE WORD CUTE!! Not on me, PLEASE!! :p




Signing off, <3 Shia.
Status: Still hurt, a little bitter, lots sour and very disappointed.

I wish I was never born.

Sometimes I feel God plays with me. I'm his favourite past time. His little toy.

He blessed me with so many gifts and talents. I'm so versatile. Yet I don't yet just know how to utilize it. I ask myself again and again. Talent over passion or passion over talent?? And what is talent?? Raw talent?? How can it be put to full use??

And wowie!! Old as I am, I just discovered the power of words. The past year, this year even. It's been a rocky roller coaster ride. With people coming and going. Wow, people are so subjective. And others have more faces than a chameleon's camouflage..
Sigh*

I love. I realized I love too much and I don't know how to accept it back. And at times, I can't even show the people I love and care for that I love them!! I hurt the people I love the most!! Seriously!!

And I carry the burdens of people onto myself. I've no idea why but yeah i do. I hurt when they hurt, I cry when they cry and I feel euphoric when I see them ecstatic..

Priya mama, I know I hurt you lots. But I just can't achieve my dreams and goals and visions in this screwed up hellhole. It's zombietown. I know I sound spoilt but trust me, I'm just obstinate, It's the last straw for me. If this,as in leaving doesn't work out as well, I'll be broken for the last time. But I still have a few discarded pieces of heart <3 left. I'm not entirely broken down yet. The people are heartless. They judge. They don't get me. Or even try to see the real me. But really, I'm too complicated a person. Even I don't get me at times. I can't express myself and rarely tell people how I feel. But that's me. Indecisive, not spoilt. Afraid but not cowardly. And I know how much you love me. I do!! And I love you more than you'll know too. You said I talk about him too much?? That's because I'm confused. I'm trying to see which file in my brain he fits into. Right now, he's just in a space somewhere in the front of my brain. I need a file!!

I wish I could die young. I wish God would just sweep me off planet earth. My euphoria would be maximized!!

And you. When you told me you might have cervical cancer, it broke my heart. You don't know how it broke. That's why I stayed back. I couldn't go for dinner with you. I feel the world is really harsh. I know it'll be worse. But yeah, maybe, I'm too sensitive. My mum went through a womb removal process. They don't know but it traumatized me. Let me pour out my heart now.

I'm afraid of losing you. You all!! You hurt me with your words you. Why I didn't tell you I was discharged?? I found out you actually were forced to see me when I was in the hospital!! That broke my heart.

I had dreams ever since I was a child. I wanted to be a biologist. Animal activist. To be able to create a vaccine to help animals. But now, poof* My dreams have just vanished. I just don't see myself getting any nearer to my dreams by staying in UTAR!! I'm just getting more and more depressed by the day. It's a downward spiral. And perhaps I am indeed in denial. Perhaps I used stuff as an escapism method.



When we were younger. Funny how we grow up in the blink of an eye.


I've never taken it out since the time we got it!!

Lynn, you have no idea how grateful and thankful to God that He put you in my life. You've been my husband, my sister, my best friend, my shadow, you name it!! I miss those happy times with you. SIGH*

Jane, you know I love you too. I admire you for the courage you have. The courage and boldness I never had. Let us not EVER conform to the world. Let them learn to accept the differences in us special people. You're such a lovely soul. You've been there with me in the shadows through thick or thin. I am indeed grateful to you too. Jane, I love you more than you'd ever know. Trust me on that. And I'm still the same person. Just a more broken one.


Suria, wow, you've been my pillar of strength throughout. Seriously. I love you so much!! As much as my broken heart allows me to.


I really don't know what else to say. But I'll go on.
Elaine, I love you. Really, I do.



Elaine and me.
You look really good in your doll fringe.




The band and I with the kids during a rehearsal.

I gave up a lot coming to Kampar. I sacrificed everything I lived for. I stepped out of my comfort zone. But it's not worth it. I quit my dance, my band, my piano lessons, and I was already in grade 8. I want my life back. And I frigging want to get nearer to those dreams of mine.

I miss you, Prof Peter,prof Paul, and Dr prasad. I will see you again one day. I'm coming. I'm moving nearer to my dreams. I'm going to try to get into UQ no matter what.



Christie and I being silly, lifting the cave.



Christie, Jo and I when they were down. In sunway pyramid. Shakey's!! Yummylicious pizza.


I still wish I was never born.

Signing off,
Lishia.
status: Hurt, Broken.


P.s# I've to look for a file to put you into. Or else you'll be floating in my brain matter.

P.SS# Talent over passion VERSUS passion over talent??

Life, life, L.I.F.E

Wow, sometimes the very people that borne you, can be the biggest crushers in your life too. Ever since I've been away from home, yeah. Situations have been so different.
P.S to someone, I don't need a typing conscience or a personal judge, please and thank you. I really love that you love reading my blog and yeah, I love that you're so interactive. Please feel free to leave more comments. But please, not ones that judge me. I've had enough of that. And as a fellow christian, you don't have to keep asking me who my Lord is. I know Him. Perhaps even better than most?? Just because I don't portray such a good image,it does not mean I'm actually condoning to what the world has to say. Please please do not get offended by this. And please, like I said, leave more comments :) And drop by more often. You're a really good encouragement to Joanna Priya..


So, yeah.. I really don't know what to say. Just had an emo session all by myself in my room. Just got discharged from the hospital. Chronic asthma attacks from a week ago. Have no idea why.. Perhaps it's stress combined with emotional turmoil?? shot after shot after nebulizer round and pills, are just NO fun!! Haha.

Sighh*



Haha, ever since Suria re-introduced me to Mis-Teeq, have been obsessed with them. Gosh they're gorgeous!! Beautiful trio..

And yeah, Christmas with Priya.. In Ipoh Parade. I really hope you enjoyed it, Priya!! I love you :)


And wow. Just before Suria and I hit Barroom, we went to catch a movie with Elaine. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.. WOW the movie was seriously an AWESOME movie. i mean words can't just simply describe the graphics or the metaphorical values. ALL in all, too awesome!! It was like the many faces of the devil and good versus evil in a more conniving subtly abominable way!! LOL




There's how it looks like. Best part is, the droolworthy actors!! Heath Ledger (R.I.P), Johnny depp, Christopher Plummer, sigh*, Jude Law, Collin Farrell!! Such a bunch of hunks in a single movie. Was left with not much spit in the salivary glands after that :)



Quote from *Aiden :) PERFECTION IS TO BE FOUND IN IMPERFECTION. SO TRUE!! But don't we all as human beings, sometimes crave or craze perfection too?? Subtly or directly..

Haha, humanity. It is just too subjective and mind boggling at times..



Haha, take care ya'll..





Smile :)

Wow, new year was wayy AWESOME!! If only we had taken pictures..

Barroom rawked, met 3 awesome goofy goons there. And suria, you and I were meant to kill and break hearts :P

We were decked and dressed to kill. Here, pictures of Elaine, Suria and I in the cinema bathroom. Of ALL the places :)

P.s# Suria's on the far left, Elaine's the middle girl with the phone and I'm on the far right..





Special thanks to Dhillon, Suresh and Elliot for making our night..

Love,
The peanutbutterchoc lover :)

Happy new Year!! :)

Ooh wow, HAPPY NEW YEAR peepsies* ;)
May the new year bring love, hope, joy and everlasting peace :)
WOW New year was AWESOME!! haha, I realized I'm getting more obsessed with even numbers :)

Will update soon!! Lots to say about the New year!! And Lynn, I still miss you like crazy!!

Suria, let's hit the mall in Ipoh ;)

Priya babe, enjoy the weddin kay, you gorgeous babe?? :)

Ady, if you read this, you put a smile on my face for New year :)