Emo-ness much.

Just frown at me.
So I know you still glance at me.

Just cut me.
So I can feel again.

Just hate me.
So I know I'm not invisible.

Just kill me.
So I know you're still there.

Just wound me.
So I know you still know I exist.

Just let me die.
So I know what living is again.

Just laugh at me.
So I can hear you laugh again.

Just hug me.
So I know what warmth is again.

Just love me.
So I know that emotion is not a farce.

What's wrong with me??

I crave ALL the forbidden. All!! What's wrong with me??
I'm an Eve true and true. But well, what more is there to be said?? I am after all of Eve's blood. Eve herself is a woman in me, flesh and blood. Why can't I express myself?? I have NO idea. I thought I was good at it. Till I began to hurt all those I love. The more I love someone, the more the person gets hurt. More often than not, it'll be a guy. I write metaphorically. Too metaphorical as Suria says, but that's the way I express myself. I can't be simple. I'm a complex being.

So save me Lord. I have no idea.. I can't even understand myself. Is that why I put myself through the torture??

I prefer working with animals. I'm sensitive. People hurt me easily. I'm a hopeless romantic. And my heart, mi corazon is worn on my sleeve. It really is.







I miss the old times. When stuff was so easy. Growing up is just a pain in the butt. I miss the old times when I could feel like a child again. Sometimes I just feel like the rheumatic arthritic old lady in me wants to burst out!! CMON, cmon child in me. Pop out again. I used to be able to sleep with a smile on my face. Now I awake with a frown thinking of the day ahead. Burdens are always there.

If a power could be given to me, I'd say I want the ability to turn back the clock. To the past. I always say I never regret what I do. But.. Turning back the clock would certainly ease a lot of pain.



My keyboard and Lil's drumset. I miss jamming with her, now my keyboard remains untouched. Of black and white virgin keys.
Art and music. the only way I can truly express myself other than writing. Sigh* The bliss of being immersed in the two of them. Does wonders for a broken heart.

My past would not leave me alone too. Why?? I mean why won't it?? Does it come back to haunt me for a reason??

Am I being selfish?? Selfish till I let ALL my problems hold me back. But I only let myself worry when I become human again. Human enough to leave room for my own thoughts and feelings to emerge.

I miss my keyboard. My piano. My King Dribble. And yeah,my family and Lynn!!



My dearest Dribble..

Sigh* I get happy and high with only the simplest in life. What simplicity can do to a complex mind. SIGH* With the dawn of a New year, I hope everything can resume back to normal. I need normality in my life.. Not abnormality. Too much of it is a curse..



Can't wait to hit a club with Caline again. And the peepos!! And Lynn, gosh!! I have to club with you. Someday. One day. Soon. Sooner than soon. I miss you and now that I frequently update my blog, I know you read it from time to time.

My telepathic twinnie, you know that I love you :) SO much!! Though we are separated by distance, I know indeed, we still have that telepathic ability. LOL!! All hail the Queen of stitchland :)

And with that, three.. two.. one..

BOOM!! COWABUNGA, CIAO!!

Mick, you're my man!!

Gosh I suddenly miss him. He was the best bud in the WHOLE wide world :( Micky, I love you.. I know you can see this in heaven :)

Why, why, and why and a list of thank yous..

Sigh* Everything is so confusing.. Can't wait for it all to get sorted out.. Why do we fall for all the wrong people??
I just asked Suria, what's the word for when you like that person, and that person has feelings for you but you know it'll never work or never be?? She said, it's unexplainable. No word for that.. Good answer..

And haha!! Gosh I was craving for a cold drink. As usual!! But Lynn!! Haha I cut down my cold water intake :) Yay me..Anyway, soon as I opened my fridge, guess what!! I found my Milo and milk frozen!! Haha, I put it in the freezer, just like me. Accident prone. LOL..

Phew, and I'm so happy for awesome people here in Kampar for me.. Thank you ( Not in any order), Elaine, Suria, Priya, Stevie, Sharwin, Joshy, Danni,Chua, Dv, Caline, Vishie, Mark, Ashleigh, Big Jon, Kausy, Greg, Shen, hmm.. And the lost goes on and on?? :) Chastise me if I forgot to put your name here. And yeah, to ALL the haters out there, get a life!! You hear?? GAL!! Sheesh!! Stop judging and talking if you don't want the same fate to befall you..

Kampar life, SIGH* is no joke.. One hellhole..




But the beauty of it all is mesmerizing..

Kampar has the best nature sights. Mountains, falls, mist, woo, but sadly, the heatstroke. WOW!! LOL..

And and.. How can it be?? Chemistry, Biology and math exams next week!! Sigh* Right after Christmas and right before new year?? Gotta be kidding me. But sigh* That's life. Swallow it, girl..

I can't wait for my ball python though :) Shank koo Caline :)
Shank koo Suria for helping me take care of Peanutbutterchoc when I'm not here. I know she's aggressive and slightly hard to handle. And yeah, greedy!! LOL




There, a beautiful picture of both of you :)
Well dead sleepytown here does have amazing things to offer..






There.. Falls. Majestic. Awesome. But It killed 3.. Yeah the irony of it..R.I.P, 3 of you..
Hmm in the pics above, there goes the amazing Tarzan-Chua chang wei!! He hops, he leaps, he jumps!! Haha, nope. No landing face first on rocks :) And I was Jane for a day..
Hmm, sinful monk can leap well ;) Heyy Chua, the ants were large weren't they??

Ooh yummy. Want an ice blended milo?? Without needing a blender or ice?? :) Just buy a packet of liquid milo, freeze it overnight. Yummy, tadaa, blended milo, just nice..

Hmm, wanna post something here, recalling..

Someone sent this to me.

By Mr nobody. (You will know who you are when you read this..) You sent this to me:

I will ALWAYS love you.

I love you in the daytime
and I love you
through the night.
I love you when
the sun comes up
and when the stars shine bright.

I love you in the winter,
in snow,or rain or mud.
I love you in
The springtime
When the trees begin to bud.

I love you in the summer
when the birds
sing out their call,
I love you in the autumn
as the leaves begin
to fall..

At least take time to read this.
You can do whatever you want to it after that. Tear it, burn it, shred it if you want.

I'm really sorry for all the bad times we had. I am willing to take the blame for it ALL. The fighting, the arguments, the blames, everything. I wish I could take it all back. But guess it's too late. But truly, I treasure every moment together with you even if we were quarrelling or shouting at each other, just as long as it was you.

(There's more but it's too long)

The last lines- I'm really sorry things didn't work out between us and that I wasted so much of your time and energy. I should put you in jail for stealing my <3
I loved you. I still do. And always will..

Kayy, that was how the whole card went. So far, you know it still amazes me. You have proven to be true from time to time. You've always been there. You take me seriously. But.. I'm just afraid. Why?? It overwhelms. You were willing to help me get the guy, your rival whom I loved so much for nearly 7 years and am still trying to get over. I realized, I'm a hopeless romantic as well. And I don't get over people easily.. I mean, you know who.. SIGH* I was confused about it. Both of you were just there. You know?? SIGH* I really loved you too. Gosh I'm beginning to sound so cheesy and corny. But yeah, thanks for being there, till now.

I wear a mask, not because I hide myself away from the world but because I don't express myself well.Only to people who know me well, you know who you are (mentioned on top). And I only do it through my writings and art.. Phew, complex huh ..

so yeah..

P.S# I'm santa's lil helper. And yeah, I'm a lil naughtier. And yeah, I'll spank you.
You know who you are ;)

Sad/ happy Christmas, undecided.

A smarmy look from both Elaine and me and woo, my major obsession, the wise ole owl :)
Wokie.. Today, I'm kinda in the emo blogger mood. GACKK!! UTAR!!
It makes me wanna kill the ministry of education. I mean, sigh*
How can we have exams right after christmas?? And just a one day off for Christmas??
Certainly kills the Christmas mood doesn't it?? Hmm, UTAR could be the new grinch who stole Christmas ;)

SIGH* My poor ole dead blog. Let me revive you yet again!! OH NO~ Insanity hits me again!! Just thinking of my chemistry and math tests next week. Think I'll be able to walk out of this sem alive?? Sheesh!! SIGH*

What a life!!






I sure am gonna miss this bugger :) Vie oh vie.. HAHA.. That camwhoring session was fun innit??





Haha, Vie, I look like a pornstar in your specs..





Haha, Vishie the freak ;) I know he's gonna blow when he sees this. LOL he calls me weirdo anyway.. And oh yeah Danni!! Boy I miss her..






And Marjun, I miss playing in the rain with you. LOL we had awesome fun didn't we?? ;) Breaking the rules and stuff. Till I got a concussion when I fell :) We were playing men in black after lights out!! HAHA!! I didn't go for TS malaysia this year.. Figured out it would be boring with such an awesome friend like you.. I'll never forget the fun we had.. Hope you get into hip hop school soon :) They are missing out on such a great hip hop dancer like you.. And you HAVE to see this blogpost :) I'll make sure you do. Gonna write on your facebook wall now :)






Sigh* I miss you, Christie.. The band we made up was awesome!! :) I miss my keyboard. haha and my piano. SIGH* Wish I had a babygrand here..


Man, now I'm in the TS mode.. Hmm Jan.. You have to see all this too ;)






Jan and Saph..














Woo hoo, the dance and more dancing and me marjun and sapphire :) Miss them like crazy!! SIGH*









Twister, woo.. And the band and us.. And so much more.. I miss those days!! LOL.Remember, jan?? And Marjun?? We were eating pringles for breakfast lunch and dinner. I didn't like the food and you, Marjun didn't like rice. HAHA You ad Tordis were craving for pasta and burgers.


Hmm, anyway. This Christmas?? Both lousy and good. Good?? Because I am getting a pet snake from Caline :) It's a ball python, whee!! And I got inked. Whee!! Lets' just say I've a major obsession with owls now ;) And I just went to Thailand and came back!! Whee!! :)

Hmm, but the minus side is that we have exams next week. How much worse can it get?? No Christmas hols plus exams?? SIGH* **@#$%^&$%#%$^&^*(*)&*%$#@!$%U??)((**&^%

Haha, my version of "Christmas cursing" .. So anyway, ciao

xoxoxoxo ;)

P.s# I miss you (Not in order) Lynn, Elaine, Caline, Vie(Stevie), Joshy?? ;) , Marjun, Christie, hmm.. I'll add on ;)

The fight.

As I lay in the dark, I got a nightmare. I jumped up startled, and dishevelled..
I dreamt I lost you.
As I tumbled out of my nightmare into reality, gosh sanity gave me a slap and a punch in the face. I did lose you. That's when insanity took control. It beat up sanity.
I cried watching the both of them. Each fighting to gain a foothold in me. It was like I was in the arena of the Romans. I covered my eyes, couldn't bear to watch the fight.

Then, I remembered the way you stroked my hair, the words you whispered in my ear, the calming assurance in your voice and then sanity was winning. It managed to pin insanity to the ground. THREE.. TWO..
In the midst of that, before ONE could sound, I remembered the way you wouldn't talk to me. I felt bad. Then I felt nauseatingly bad. I treated you not badly, just mis fitly. I chose someone over you. When you were supposed to be at the top of my list.

I vomited.Insanity sprang up. ONE!! Oh no, number ONE sounded. Sanity had not won yet.

Slowly, slowly, I watched them struggle. All looked dim. I gave up all hope. Then strength lost. And then, love faded.



And then, just then, insanity won the belt....................

All I yearn for..

All I wish for, is to see you smile again..
To feel your breath on my hair again..
To hear you say, it'll be okay. Everything will be okay.
I long to hear you laugh again.
I long to just be in your arms and to feel your heart beat just above my head.
I just want things to be back to how it was between us.
All the memories we had throughout the years.
Wasted in one one gloomy day. I curse that day.
Yet I treasure it and hold it so close to heart. For that was the last day you spoke to me properly with earnesty.
I just.. I just want you to know that I still love you.



ALL I long for is just to hear you say, "I love you too".

Haha... Me in a Masquearade party. Just wanted to post it for fun :)

I hurt. I'm pained. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Where I wake up to an even grimmer reality. Trying to eat into my sanity.

Where is the semblance of sanity left? Where is the last shard of it?
Gone with the wind perhaps. Just perhaps.
Like everything else, it CAN be blown away by the wind. Life beats us up and smacks us behind.
I. Just. Hurt.
The world is harsh. Unforgiving. And I thought it was all done. Nope. Sigh*
Stop hurling stuff at me. Sometimes I'm not all that strong. Not all that tough.
Just because you don't see the real me does not mean you can hurl at me.
I hurt. Real bad. Someone give me a painkiller. An internal one. Just to stop this pain.
It has begun to numb up. I don't want a cold frozen heart. Warm me up. Please, warm me up.
Make me see that the last semblance of sanity was not hit and run by a bulldozer.

Oh Mr sandman, come and make me sleep. A blissful sleep.
Where nothing can touch me. Where I can spiral deeper into somewhere unknown. Far far from it all.

Oh Mr Nobody, take me into oblivion.

Oh God, please spare me. I cannot hurt anymore. I'm losing grip. My grip.
My once strong grip.

People may want to crush me. They may say things that I wouldn't like to find out.

I HAVE to stay strong in this dog-eat-dog world. Even people the closest to us may let us down. How people could have evolved into mean things beats me.



We have to rise up and step it up. Speak for what is right no matter what it may cost. Only we owe it to ourselves for a better living.

Thank you, Lynn and all the people who have stood by me. You're really TREASURED.

Love,
Shia...

Not for the faint hearted. SERIOUSLY!!

The soviet Union flag.

Yes!! Lil has already taken out the cockroach she killed. She left it in my bathroom :) Sheesh she!! And she claims to have arachnophobia.I think it's more of arachnohatred. She said if she comes across daddy-long-legs spiders, she'd chop off their legs and then rename them daddy-short-legs. HAHA!! And we were coming up with new quotes. The talk to my elbow, you're not worth the arm extension quote was getting a little old.Although it always seems to shut Joshy aka Joshua up ;) So I came up with this........
....
Talk to my toes. You're not worth any body part extension and it's easier for you because you're way down there. ( A little long but WAY more insulting. P.S, use it only when REALLY necessary ;)

Topic change.

Soviet Union was made up of 15 socialist republics. Major WOW. The Tsar must have been a very famous man.

Anyway...

Human trafficking especially into the sex trade is so 'happening' these days. Stories like that are often tear jerking and wow, they are pretty much censored. Have just finished a book. An awesome read, also a true story about a woman who survived, escaped and fought for her rights in the sex trade. She was duped into becoming a prostitute. By a friend. She's Ukrainian and her name is Oxana Kalemi. Her book's a worth buy. Real steal. I really admire her perseverance. Were I in her shoes, I'd have long committed suicide. Next to her story, what we worry about may seem trivial.

Book title by Oxana Kalemi- Mummy, come home.



A picture of the demolition of a cathedral during the Soviet Union empire. Open religion was suppressed and women were treated second class or worse than animals. Even today, women are treated worse than dogs in some places. I think even pets get better treatment. SIGH* Pretty upsetting...


A picture of Boris Yeltsin, the president of Russia, standing on a tank protesting. The Soviet Union very much like the Hitler generation bred a generation of people who only mostly knew violence. The kids were actually taught to hate black and colored people, religion, and anything foreign. Back then, Lenin was their God. Girls had to obey their husbands and were often raped by their husbands' friends for wanting to work. All they wanted was food for their starving children. And.... The rest is history :(

P.S-The next scene is only for the above thirteens. Not for the week-hearted. Sorry for the vulgarity but that's exactly what the convo was like.

"Tell me you want a fuck. Tell me you're a bitch, a f*cking whore", he said.

She kept silent. Wasn't it enough that he was raping her??

"Say it!! Or i won't finish. Say you're a f*cking slag!! A whore!!", he yelled.
"No", she whispered, crying.
A sharp pain hit her in the gut. He was slapping against her butt cheeks.
"Just say it!!"
"I'm a whore", she cried, giving in.

"AGAIN!!"he screamed.

"I'm a bitch",she cried again, void of expression.

.... He finally, FINALLY stopped.

That, was one, I repeat, ONE of the gory scenes from Mummy, come home. The WORST part of all is that it really happened. It wasn't a playtime acting role playing thing. Seriously gory stuff took place. And that wasn't the worst scene yet. It was like readin through an epic from Sodom and Gomorrah or a woman's guide to hell if there's such a thing.

Thank goodness there's help for women now. If anyone reading this knows of anybody in that kind of situation, please please alert the authorities. Hiding stuff makes it worst and the sin will be yours then.

Ten, I know your father hits your mum. And I know he does stuff to you too. Shaz as well. But unless you both don't want me to say anything, I won't. You both have my word on the confidentiality part but I'm VERY tempted to alert someone about what's happening in your families. You can't go on being touched by someone if you don't want it. Especially if it's your father. It's eating into me and reading stories like Oxana's is really.... You know.

Anyway, for those who need help, there's the Befrienders in Malaysia. And others... There's also the POPPY Project based in London for people who have been trafficked.

020 7735 2062. That's the number. Don't hesitate. PLease...You're more worth it.
Have you heard Sigur ros' songs yet? They're awesome!! Just to lighten things after those terrible issues.


Gosh, reading and hearing about stuff like that is just deppressing innit.

Haha!! Me looking silly in a pair of owl sunnies :)Again, to lighten things up.



Then again, i can't resist but I've to add. HOW CAN A FATHER ACTUALLY THINK OF HURTING HIS OWN DAUGHTER?? Incest is the worst most heinous crime. Eg., Joseph Fritzl. SHEESH!!

Oh and by the way, I keep mentioning the Soviet Union because Ukraine used to be part of it. And they brought up a generation of prejudice.



These are innocent victims traded and sold for money in the sex trade.

Another one.

May God have mercy on their torturers.

Sorry for the gory stuff. Am feeling angsty!!

Signing off, Shia.

Thanks for the memories 2.

SIGH* Pure bliss reveling in the past... Am on my bed now in Klang... Looking at all my photos. Sigh*

So much to do, so little time!! Sheesh!! I don't know what's wrong with me. Am suddenly craving physical touch. I miss Caline, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! She used to pat me to sleep in Kampar. And i miss Sharwin :) HAHA!!

Let's look at old bliss shall we now? :)



Meet Babe. Her real name's Deivanai!! One of my awesome gals from back in high school. I was in pain at that time. Remember clearly. It was January 7th, just early this year. We were out celebrating Babe and Bran's birthday. We went to Jusco and i got my belly pierced. Halfway through, the silly belly stud broke. Pain was excruciating, no JOKE!! Good thing Bran and Babe were there to hold my hand :)
The needle was as big as a screwdriver. Phew* Lotta blood too from me. Tee hee.

When i showed Lynn, Ally and Ashlea during our driving lesson, they kinda freaked out :) LOL!!



Now, meet Bran. She's really cute :) Sigh, i miss them.



Now meet the infamous Ally and Ashlea. Ally's on the far left, Ash's in the middle and moi, on the right. We're A+A+S... Part of the DALAS. Diane didn't come that day. Which made us the ALAS, also sounds surprisingly like anus :p

D-Diane + A-Ashlea + L-Lynn + A-Ally + S-shia = DALAS.

We were all decked in cultural costumes. Was awesome fun!! Oops, It's 1.44 am. Have to wake up at 6. It's sunday!! Am on keyboards tomorrow. Have a good sleep :)



XOxoXO, Shia...

Thanks for the memories 1.

Wow!! After SO long, I'm actually having a proper convo with Shar... Anyway, the good old times. Feel like jumping back into the past. Just for a fresh taste of hmm.... Memories?


Lynn and I being cam geeks :)

Racists are NOT tolerated!!

Gosh golly goshhh!!! I'm downright pissed although it happened in the morning yesterday!! This dumb anoyying guy!! Prepare for pubwic humiliation!! Muahahahaha I'm feeling positively evil....

At least I have the decency to put you under a pseudonym. I would love for the world to know who you are so you'd suffer, you RACIST!! The pseudonym is F. Yeah, just a plain old simple F.

First of, let me explain myself. This white guy F, American, he works in Malaysia. He was kinda harrassing me last year. He's what, 26? I tolerated him. Then he just blew his top yesterday when i said i date indian guys, and have lots of multi cultural friends. He said too bad I like black indians. And he even said-You're quite the slut aren't you? I mean, PUH LEEZE!! And he said he calls me that because colored people f**k a lot!! I mean, GOSH!! How much ruder can he get????

Haha, when DV texted me, i told him all this. He must have gotten a bit scared. Was boiling mad!! Erick Camara's another witness of my temper ;) I know you're reading my blog, Erick!! READ!! Stop looking at the pix ;)

People like F shouldn't be let loose lest they go around committing genocide :) Another Hitler case. SIGH*

Aww man, I miss Marjun!! Marnie! I love ya!! lol. I'm gonna put your picture up and promote your country. I mean barely half the population on planet earth know where Faroe islands is and I think it was just put on the map last year. If I'm right.



Okie. Hope the picture comes out clear :) Kinda small. And that, is Marjun Gaardlykke. Yup, tongue twister of an awesome name!! And yeah. Let me add pictures of Pretty Sapphire. Miss her too :(



And this here is Sapphire Cho. She's only 5 and her dad's Korean. Her mum, is South African. HOW COOL IS THAT? Such a beautiful mix :) Of course, people like F wouldn't appreciate it. Gosh I'm really on a shooting F spree!! :)

Okie, I almost added a picture of Danni and Vishie here. But I'm not sure if they'll be okie with it. SIGH* The world is turning bad...

And Lynn!! When can I see you?? :)



Now this picture is of me and my high school mates having the time of our lives dressing up in other races' traditional costumes... Fabuloso!! SIGH*

Jo looks radiant and Lynn looks plain adorable. Gosh Shen is hot and simma too :) Ooh I wanna look for more pictures. Hold on a second...

Okie wowie!! I didn't see. It's 4 am...Have to get 40 winks.
One last shot.

Lynn and I in pj's :)


A just for fun I miss you shot ;) Nitey...

xoxox, sloppy wet kisses.