I wish I was never born.

Sometimes I feel God plays with me. I'm his favourite past time. His little toy.

He blessed me with so many gifts and talents. I'm so versatile. Yet I don't yet just know how to utilize it. I ask myself again and again. Talent over passion or passion over talent?? And what is talent?? Raw talent?? How can it be put to full use??

And wowie!! Old as I am, I just discovered the power of words. The past year, this year even. It's been a rocky roller coaster ride. With people coming and going. Wow, people are so subjective. And others have more faces than a chameleon's camouflage..
Sigh*

I love. I realized I love too much and I don't know how to accept it back. And at times, I can't even show the people I love and care for that I love them!! I hurt the people I love the most!! Seriously!!

And I carry the burdens of people onto myself. I've no idea why but yeah i do. I hurt when they hurt, I cry when they cry and I feel euphoric when I see them ecstatic..

Priya mama, I know I hurt you lots. But I just can't achieve my dreams and goals and visions in this screwed up hellhole. It's zombietown. I know I sound spoilt but trust me, I'm just obstinate, It's the last straw for me. If this,as in leaving doesn't work out as well, I'll be broken for the last time. But I still have a few discarded pieces of heart <3 left. I'm not entirely broken down yet. The people are heartless. They judge. They don't get me. Or even try to see the real me. But really, I'm too complicated a person. Even I don't get me at times. I can't express myself and rarely tell people how I feel. But that's me. Indecisive, not spoilt. Afraid but not cowardly. And I know how much you love me. I do!! And I love you more than you'll know too. You said I talk about him too much?? That's because I'm confused. I'm trying to see which file in my brain he fits into. Right now, he's just in a space somewhere in the front of my brain. I need a file!!

I wish I could die young. I wish God would just sweep me off planet earth. My euphoria would be maximized!!

And you. When you told me you might have cervical cancer, it broke my heart. You don't know how it broke. That's why I stayed back. I couldn't go for dinner with you. I feel the world is really harsh. I know it'll be worse. But yeah, maybe, I'm too sensitive. My mum went through a womb removal process. They don't know but it traumatized me. Let me pour out my heart now.

I'm afraid of losing you. You all!! You hurt me with your words you. Why I didn't tell you I was discharged?? I found out you actually were forced to see me when I was in the hospital!! That broke my heart.

I had dreams ever since I was a child. I wanted to be a biologist. Animal activist. To be able to create a vaccine to help animals. But now, poof* My dreams have just vanished. I just don't see myself getting any nearer to my dreams by staying in UTAR!! I'm just getting more and more depressed by the day. It's a downward spiral. And perhaps I am indeed in denial. Perhaps I used stuff as an escapism method.



When we were younger. Funny how we grow up in the blink of an eye.


I've never taken it out since the time we got it!!

Lynn, you have no idea how grateful and thankful to God that He put you in my life. You've been my husband, my sister, my best friend, my shadow, you name it!! I miss those happy times with you. SIGH*

Jane, you know I love you too. I admire you for the courage you have. The courage and boldness I never had. Let us not EVER conform to the world. Let them learn to accept the differences in us special people. You're such a lovely soul. You've been there with me in the shadows through thick or thin. I am indeed grateful to you too. Jane, I love you more than you'd ever know. Trust me on that. And I'm still the same person. Just a more broken one.


Suria, wow, you've been my pillar of strength throughout. Seriously. I love you so much!! As much as my broken heart allows me to.


I really don't know what else to say. But I'll go on.
Elaine, I love you. Really, I do.



Elaine and me.
You look really good in your doll fringe.




The band and I with the kids during a rehearsal.

I gave up a lot coming to Kampar. I sacrificed everything I lived for. I stepped out of my comfort zone. But it's not worth it. I quit my dance, my band, my piano lessons, and I was already in grade 8. I want my life back. And I frigging want to get nearer to those dreams of mine.

I miss you, Prof Peter,prof Paul, and Dr prasad. I will see you again one day. I'm coming. I'm moving nearer to my dreams. I'm going to try to get into UQ no matter what.



Christie and I being silly, lifting the cave.



Christie, Jo and I when they were down. In sunway pyramid. Shakey's!! Yummylicious pizza.


I still wish I was never born.

Signing off,
Lishia.
status: Hurt, Broken.


P.s# I've to look for a file to put you into. Or else you'll be floating in my brain matter.

P.SS# Talent over passion VERSUS passion over talent??